Make-a-List Day 7: Cookie Cutter Mold

5 ways I conform to the Asian stereotype:
1) I am smart (I believe).
2) I have dark hair and dark eyes.
3) I am family-orientated.
4) I have slanting, shallow-set eyes.
5) I am short and slim.

5 ways I do not conform to the Asian stereotype:
1) I am not knowledgeable in the art of sexual pleasure.
2) My hair and eyes are actually brown, not black.
3) I speak close-to-perfect English. (Although I do have an accent, given that I was not raised by primarily English-speaking parents.)
4) I don't consider my eyes particularly small or squinting.
5) My skin is not yellow. It's merely less pink.

5 ways I conform to the female stereotype:
1) I like to dance.
2) I like fashion.
3) I have weak arms.
4) I like drawing more than I like sports.
5) I like jewellery. Just not the sparkly, gem-studded ones. I like mine simple, metallic, and with unique designs.

5 ways I do not conform to the female stereotype:
1) I don't particularly like pink.
2) I don't like shopping.
3) I'm better in the Sciences than the Arts.
4) I do not have 100 different nail polishes, shoes and accessories.
5) My wardrobe has no skirts.

5 ways I can gross you out with the hypermobility in my hands:
1) I can bend all my fingers (except thumbs) back 45 degrees with respect to the back of my hand without assistance, and 90-110 degrees with assistance.
2) I can bend the last joint of each of my fingers (except thumbs, for obvious reasons) forward together or individually while keeping the rest of it extended. Without assistance.
3) I can bend the last joint of each of my fingers backward 20-60 degrees (depending on the finger) with assistance. This makes it very uncomfortable for me to write for protracted periods of time (e.g. 3-hour long H2 Art papers in which 7 essays are written.)
4) I can achieve a 45 degree angle bending my fingers at the first joint alone assisted and unassisted.
5) I am very comfortable bending my wrist back and forth 90 degrees without assistance.
NOTE: I do all this without pain, so no humans were harmed in the process.

5 ways to identify my skeleton:
1) I have a conical right canine in my maxillae.
2) I have Brachydactyly A3. (i.e. the middle phalanx of both my little fingers are unnaturally short.)
3) I am very slightly knock-kneed.
4) While I do have larger-than-normal metatarsophalangeal joints, the lateral deviation of my big toe toward my other toes is not pronounced.
5) If finger and toe nails are considered part of the skeleton: I have relatively thick fingernails that rest atop criminally long nail beds. The nail of my large toe is longer than it is wide, while those of my other toes are relatively squarish (except for my second toe, which is wider than it is long).

5 ways in which I am (even more) unique:
1) I have inexplicable stretch marks on my thighs, given that I have never rapidly gained or lost weight.
2) I have fingers long enough and wrists small enough to wrap one hand around them and have my thumb fully cover the last phalanx of my middle finger.
3) There is some yellowish discolouration in the whites of my right eye that I have yet to discern the cause for.
4) My elbows easily hyperextend by 10-15 degrees.
5) My second finger is the fattest of all my fingers (excluding thumb) for reasons I know not.

Make-a-List Day 6

I recently watched Pacific Rim and Cloud Atlas, and have many opinions on the movies.

Inaccuracies in Pacific Rim

1) Carbon dioxide does NOT delay any acidic reaction. CO2 is itself acidic, hence it should, if anything, accelerate any acidic reaction of Kaiju Blue (but only if the order of reaction with respect to H+ is not 0).

2) Stacker Pentacost (Idris Elba) keeps insisting on mispronouncing "nuclear". It's "new-clear", Idris Elba, not "new-cue-lar".

3) Her name's Mori Mako, not Mako Mori, given that I'm certain "Mori" is her family name and the Japanese traditionally refer to a person by [familiy name][given name].

4) Why do Kaiju have DNA if they are extraterrestrial? One of the surest ways to prove that organisms descend from the same common ancestor from Earth is to determine the chemical composition of the molecule(s) which encode inheritable traits. In Earthlings, the molecule is DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid). Who's to say the Kaiju don't utilise some other molecule?

OBSERVATION: Did they even have anyone proofread the script and "proof-watch" the film?

Favourite Characters in Pacific Rim (in decreasing order)

1) Newton Geiszler: he is the star of multiple scenes in which my amusement skyrockets and which also redeem the movie magnificently

2) Hermann Gottlieb: I cannot get that scene where Geiszler offered his hand to Gottlieb for a bro-shake (or whatever it was, I have no name for it that I know of) and Gottlieb just...doesn't know where to fit his hand

3) Hercules Hansen: he's simply the polar opposite of his son (and also, I love his accent)

4) The secondary Kaiju brain in Geiszler's lab (it's adorable when it waves its vein/artery around and makes popping sounds when it adheres to the walls of its container by suction)

5) Tendo Choi: what? He's smart. And Asian. Well, we could have summed that up with "Asian" and leave it at that, given the stereotype that all Asians are smart.

OBSERVATION: Clearly I have no preference for American heroes and main characters, and a strong liking for smart people/things.

Least Favourite Characters in Pacific Rim (in order of increasing likeability)

1) Chuck Hansen: the bully

2) Raleigh Beckett: immensely boring despite his tragic past

3) Hannibal Chau: he's not number 1 only because he's comic relief and named himself "Hannibal" 

4) Stacker Pentacost: I hate how he's always figuratively manhandling the K-science team

5) ...Kaiju? There aren't enough characters I dislike enough to include in this list.

Favourite Characters in Cloud Atlas (in decreasing order)

1) Sonmi-451

2) The Archivist

3) Adam Ewing

4) Rufus Sixsmith

5) Mr. Meeks

Least Favourite Characters in Cloud Atlas (in order of increasing likeability)

1) Henry Goose, the doctor who poisoned Ewing

2) Seer Rhee

3) Denholme Cavendish

4) Dermot Hoggins

5) Nurse Noakes

Night Skies Hidden in Diamonds

Typical Reader Measures, by Grade

Grade	Reader Measures, Mid-Year 25th percentile to 75th percentile (IQR)
1	Up to 300L
2	140L to 500L
3	330L to 700L
4	445L to 810L
5	565L to 910L
6	665L to 1000L
7	735L to 1065L
8	805L to 1100L
9	855L to 1165L
10	905L to 1195L
11 and 12	940L to 1210L

This was taken from: https://www.lexile.com/about-lexile/grade-equivalent/grade-equivalent-chart/

And for some reason, when I took my test in 2010 as the equivalent of an 8th grader, this was my score:

Thanks for the ego booster.

Operation:

Because I have terrible self-image (especially in the physical appearance arena), I'm going to make a list of my positive physical attributes which I usually ignore in favour of weeping over other things. They are not very plentiful.

1) Hair
- My hair is so straight my friends think I had it re-bonded.
- In the sun, the individual strands of my hair shine like burnished copper.
- The shape of my hair is uncommon when I plait it.

2) Face
- I have a nose bridge (which one of my friends is insanely jealous over).
- I have eyebrows. Although they do look more like angry, hairy black caterpillars.
- I have a relatively slim face.
- My teeth are naturally aligned nicely, even if my incisors still have a curly edge as if they'd been cut by a child's patterned scissors.

3) Body
- I am fairly well proportioned.
- I have a relatively slim and long neck.
- I am not missing any body parts or internal organs (YES!).
- My body-fat ratio is consistent with an athlete's even though I haven't exercised outside of stipulated PE lessons and weekly ballet lessons since I was 12.

4) Arms
- My fingers are narrow. They are, in fact, bony, which is my preference, but some people don't like them that way.
- The nails on my fingers are large, long, and taper elegantly into an end.
- My nails look beautiful without nail polish.
- My wrists are thin and bony. Again, my personal preference.
- I have slim upper arms despite being an artist and writing many essays.

5) Legs
- My ankles are bony and the tendons at the back are prominent-ish. Once more, personal preference.
- There is very little fat content in my calves; they are predominantly muscle and bone.

6) Miscellaneous quirks
- I'm certain there are more moles on my right arm than the rest of my body put together. This is possibly only interesting to me.
- One of my canines is conical, which strikes me as highly unique.

The Colour of Starbursts

Student wearing their school crest: pride.

Raffles Institution students wearing their school crest: elitist.

Society makes it hard for me to be proud of where I am. They almost make me feel ashamed of being where I am on account of my efforts. They make me feel ashamed of having worked hard. It feels as if I am being punished for achieving by my own merits.

It is very likely that this very stigma against RI students is what further isolates us from everyone else in an effort to be with those who do not influence us to be ashamed of ourselves, of putting in our best. We may go as far as to don masks to avoid becoming vulnerable to attacks on our person, become the very person others think we are, the very person whom we may not be proud of, just to protect ourselves.

Why can't I wear my school crest, school name and school badge proudly and not feel like it is something I should be ashamed of?

Confessions

...that might get me flamed.

1) I don't think Susan Boyle is all that brilliant.

While I do agree that she has a good voice, I find her performances dull -- not because all she does is stand there, but because there is little variation in the quality of her voice. She applies the same formula to every long note, which gets boring after a while when you've listened enough impressive moments. There also appears to be little emotional cadence to her singing, which I what I look for when I assess singers. I am of the opinion that Adele is a better singer.

But what do you know, I'm not a professional music critique.

2) I don't see anything wrong with homosexuality.

I used to believe that it was wrong, having been brought up in a Christian family and conditioned to never question our pastors. However, the thing is, I pride myself in being a rational human being. After comparing heterosexual to homosexual couples, the only differences I came up with are: (1) the genders of the couple, (2) the ability to bear children and (3) the eagerness of states to deny homosexual couples the right to marry. I don't think that any of those constitute sins against any moral or ethical standards. Homosexuals don't harm others by being who they are -- I believe that pardons it from being a sin, especially since the New Testament appears largely in favour of a liberal sort of acceptance so long as none of the 10 commandments are breached.

I still consider myself a Christian because I prefer to think that the God-given laws governing the acceptance of homosexual relations has changed since the Old Testament (among other things) and that all this homophobia is the product of bigotry and unwillingness to understand. I'd also like to think that Jesus, who dines with tax collectors and heals lepers, would not condemn homosexuals for minding their own business behind closed doors.

Make-a-List Day 5

My lists got too long so I had to inject paragraphs. And underline things.

Commentary on popular X-Men First Class' minor characters
1) Moira MacTaggert has too little control over her emotions (or, at the very least, her expressions) to be a convincing CIA agent. To me, she basically embodies why "the CIA is no place for a woman", and explains perfectly why so many movies fail the Bechdel test.

2) Angel was a weak character with insufficient development and a rather unimpressive set of mutations. Another failure which exclusion and the movie's consequent failure of the Bechdel test would be forgiveable.

3) Darwin shouldn't have died.

4) Hank McCoy's feet had opposable thumbs. Opposable thumbs. On his feet. Like an ape. Did the comic specify that? No, really, that was a genuine question. I've never actually read it.

5) Magneto's helmet looks clunky, gaudy and terrible.


Scientific inaccuracies in X-Men First Class
1) Radiation does not necessarily make mutants any stronger. In fact they stand about as much chance of getting cancer as non-mutants.

2) I'm not even going to talk about how improbable the mutations are.

3) Identifying a marker in Raven's DNA sample does NOT imply an ability to generate a serum that induces one's default appearance to become normal. In fact, all a marker does is, essentially, sit somewhere along the genome and express itself like any other gene. It's often used in transformation of plasmids and bacteria.

4) For the record, I think diamond should be able to cut through whatever metal was wrapped around Emma Frost's neck.

5) Why wasn't the bullet pulled out of Charles Xavier's back bloody?


Commentary on relationships in X-Men First Class
1) How on earth did the producers think that hooking Raven up with Erik Lehnsherr immediately after her falling out with Hank McCoy was a good idea? Raven had never indicated any interest in Erik and Erik was more interested in Raven's status as a mutant than Raven herself. It was probably a one-time thing, though, and nothing too serious, because Raven did not stay in bed after but went to seek Charles.

2) Charles Xavier and Moira MacTaggert was so surprisingly unsurprising because Hollywood just needed its main character to get a girl -- any girl. Never mind if she's just someone insipid that helps the movie pass the Bechdel test. Which it didn't, by the way. This pairing was even worse than Erik/Raven.

3) I was sort of hoping that the movie would elaborate more on Hank and Raven's relationship. I think she had the potential to transform his doubts, just like Erik transformed hers, although I understand the need to make Hank inject himself with the serum as a result of him disagreeing with Raven on their appearance.

4) While I really don't understand the relationship between Emma Frost and Sebastian Shaw, I think Emma's comment (to Colonel Hendry) that she was "Sebastian Shaw's associate" seemed fitting. It appears that Emma and Shaw's relationship verges on the professional while maintaining a level of impersonal affection.

5) Hands up anybody who thought that Erik and Charles should just build their happy mutant orphanage and ditch the government already (Moira did NOT in any way inspire positive opinions of the government or the CIA). That way they'd get to keep their friendship AND share Raven, even if I think Erik/Raven was a mistake. Also, there will be epic bromance. On the downside, the entire X-Men series wouldn't have happened.


Commentary on the main characters of X-Men First Class
1) Erik Lehnsherr should probably have clubbed Sebastian Shaw's head off (instead of merely crushing a bell and rattling some instruments) when Shaw killed his mother. That would have saved everyone so much trouble.

2) Charles Xavier really should have been a little less calm about a stranger breaking into his house and stealing his food. But then I suppose that if you'd been able to tell that the blue-skinned girl wasn't a threat because you could READ HER MIND then it was justifiable.

3) Erik Lehnsherr (or should I say Michael Fassbender) looks really good when he's doing his thing with metal. I particularly enjoyed his invasion of the senior Soviet Official's house.

4) Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) actually looks nice in his frumpy cardigans and with hair. Too bad he eventually lost the hair he wanted untouched.

5) Erik Lehnsherr and Charles Xavier would probably have made one of Hollywood's best fiction couple if either one of them were female. If only because Hollywood wouldn't dare to screen a gay couple (and because that might ruin the comics).


Favourite scenes from X-Men First Class
1) That satellite scene where Erik found the point between rage and serenity.
2) "...I will find you." (In French, spoken by Erik)
3) For some reason, the Argentina scene where Erik was looking for Shaw.
4) The beach scene when Charles was struck in the back by a bullet deflected by Erik.
5) Charles reading about his thesis.

Make-a-List Day 4

More words that mean different things
1) Graduated: post-college vs. marked with intervals
2) Inclined: agreeable vs. slanted at an angle
3) Solution: answer to a problem vs. homogeneous liquid mixture
4) Save: write a backup vs. prevent a goal
5) Vulcan: fictional alien species vs. did someone spell volcano wrongly?

Science-y words starting with 'P'
1) Palpitate
2) Peristalsis
3) Polypeptide
4) Panthera
5) Praseodymium

Non-science-y words starting with 'P'
1) Pagination
2) Prevaricate
3) Pontificate
4) Pintrest
5) Perfunctory

Colours that sound nice
1) Citrus
2) Mahogany
3) Ivory
4) Fuchsia
5) Burnt sienna

Nerdy quotes
1) BDE (Friendship) = infinite kJmol^-1
2) Bond. Covalent Bond.
3) You must be fructose, because you're sweeter than sugar.
4) I was a line but you have made me a vector.
5) ___________________________?

Make-a-List Day 3

I'm not even going to bother explaining myself anymore.

Words with less than 4 syllables that most people have never heard of
1) Eyot
2) Ablution
3) Moribund
4) Sacrosanct
5) Amaranthe

Words that mean different things to different people
1) Orbital: orbit route vs. area around an atom with certain probability of finding an electron
2) Unionised: recruitment for union vs. deionise
3) Gravity: importance vs. weak force
4) Shell: cockles vs. electron shells
5) Evolve: Pokemon vs. change in allele frequency

Words I think are catchy
1) Dodecahedron
2) Isle
3) Hannibal
4) Isosceles
5) Vignette

Names I will not give a child
1) Diarrhoea
2) Mary-Jane (alternatively, Mary-Sue)
3) Ching Chong Ching Chang Chong
4) John
5) India

Names I would give a child
1) Lucille
2) Esmeralda
3) Ian
4) Will
5) Sabriel

Make-a-List Day 2

Since I liked generating those 10 lists so much the last time, I'm going to make some more.

Things most people don't know about me
1) I have a thing for jewellery of the well-designed metal variety.
2) I am not homophobic.
3) I used to collect stamps and stickers.
4) I knit.
5) My short-sightedness measures at 900 degrees per eye.

Things you should know about Star Trek
1) If you want to survive an away mission, don't wear red if you're not part of the main cast.
2) Paper beats Spock, Spock beats Tribbles (sort of), Tribbles beat Klingons.
3) "Beam me up, Scotty" was never said.
4) Everything was invented in Russia, not S. Korea.
5) Kirk and Spock have some sort of permanent link that makes it impossible for them to break eye or physical contact for protracted periods of time.

Things that school will not teach you
1) Two positives do make a negative. ("Yeah, right.")
2) How to be a proper Victorian lady.
3) 2B is not the only variety of pencil available.
4) Persistence is does not get you everything.
5) The panacea of everything but death is death. Kind of.

Words I know that have more than 4 syllables
1) Discombobulate
2) Pulchritudinous
3) Hypochondriac
4) Serendipity
5) Tintinnabulous

Similarities between TOS and reboot-verse
1) Kirk has a protruding belly.
2) Spock sometimes uses contractions.
3) McCoy has the answers to all of Kirk's (medical) problems.
4) Scotty likes Tribbles.
5) Chekov is a Russian genius too young for his own good.

Make-a-List Day

In commemoration of Make-a-List Day, I am submitting 10 lists of 5 items each.

Things I can do that most people can't
1) Brush my teeth with my non-dominant hand at 90% efficiency.
2) Do the Vulcan hand salute and recite "live long and prosper" in Vulcan.
3) Dance en pointe.
4) Draw.
5) Understand nerdy jokes.

Things I do that most people don't (or won't)
1) Wear 3 different accessories (watch, necklace, ring) because I feel bereft without them.
2) Wear my jacket even though it's noontime at a tiny equatorial island.
3) Run away from cats because they're assembling a Secret Kitty Assassination Squad.
4) Set the audio track of Star Trek (2009) on repeat on my phone.
5) Laugh at nerdy jokes.

Things I won't do that most people would
1) Attend concerts.
2) Watch cats play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes and then proceed to spam YouTube with comments about their cuteness.
3) Spell "maneuver" instead of "manoeuvre" because the English invented English, damn it!
4) Use "txt tlk" because there is a perfectly functional language that sounds and looks beautiful and shouldn't be butchered.
5) Confuse "loose" with "lose", "effect" with "affect", "your" and "you're", "deprived" and "depraved". Etc.

Things I like that most people don't
1) Star Trek: The Original Series. (Even though I like it, I have to admit that it's one of the worst TV series I've ever had the pleasure of watching.)
2) Correcting grammar.
3) Lady's fingers.
4) Smart people.
5) Nerdy jokes.

Things I know that most people don't
1) The extent to which I can tolerate annoyances.
2) How to distinguish a plumber from a chemist.
3) The name of a genetic disease that causes the ossification of muscles.
4) The number of comics currently residing on my shelf/shelves.
5) The secret code that deciphers nerdy jokes.

Types of friends that I have
1) The nerd
2) The fan girl
3) The oblivious one
4) The one that doesn't realise she's propositioning to everyone all the time.
5) Any combination of the above + mandatory insanity

Things I spend more than 1 hour a day on
1) Reading fan fiction (~6-16 hours a day)
2) Sleeping. (~2-13 hours a day)
3) ...
4) ...
5) Studying. (This remains conditional; it applies only in the pre-examination season)

Things I don't like about Shatner's Kirk
1) He has a distended tummy despite being so fit elsewhere.
2) He probably waxes his chest.
3) He sleeps around too frequently.
4) He is prone to histrionics.
5) He looks terrible in combat despite being regarded as proficient.

Things I loved about reboot-verse Star Trek
1) Sexier NCC-1701/USS Enterprise.
2) Lens flares.
3) Kirk had the potential to be smart -- very smart.
4) Sneak peek into life at Starfleet Academy.
5) Parody after parody which I recognised.

Things I hated about reboot-verse Star Trek
1) Amanda Grayson and Christopher Pike died.
2) Vulcan was destroyed (and 6 million Vulcans died, leaving an estimated 10,000 survivors).
3) Spock and Uhura are in a relationship that never happened (and was never hinted at) in  ST:TOS.
4) Kirk did not fulfil his destiny as a very smart man; he was unexpectedly immature and ignorant even after his promotion to Captain.
5) WHERE IS THE BROMANCE IN STXI??? Granted, I'll give you that they more than made up for it in STID (Star Trek: Into Darkness).

Now that I've made you read through 10 lists, I will reveal to you that there is no such thing as "Make-a-List Day".

I also figured that making a list of things I hate about ST:TOS would most definitely have me sitting at my computer until I die from sleep deprivation, although it would also have an equally long list of things I love.

To borrow a phrase from someone on YouTube:
Yay 60's.

Postulating Trans-warp Theories

That it. It's official.

I'm attracted to nerds.

I mean, I like a great-looking person like any other girl (although my tastes do sometimes gravitate toward the outlandish and not-conventionally-dashing -- see Benedict Cumberbatch), but my primary concern tends to lie with nerdiness. Or intelligence. (Which are, by the way, not interchangeable.) Possibly because I myself am not particularly physically attractive and therefore do not expect the same of others.

My favourite actors, which are far and few between, have all been to university and studied some ridiculously pretentious-sounding courses like Classics (Tom Hiddleston).

It really doesn't matter what kind of nerd this person is, although I draw the line at politics. They could wax poetic about the etymology of 'pulchritudinous', expound the the degeneracy of the genetic code, ramble for hours about the sweeping force of supercells, dissect the Declaration of Independence word by word, be righteously angered by a pair of misused parentheses, or just plain warble about the universality of Mathematics and I would effortlessly be drawn toward them.

Or they could be Star Trek nerds, which (to me) defer from geeks insofar as they have genuine academic interests in and actively pursue the study of working theories to warp space-time or development of universal translators.

I'm just, really, a huge sucker for people whose eruditions give me insight into things I have an interest in.

It explains my fervent interest in House M.D. and BBC's Sherlock, although not my highly inexplicable fascination with Star Trek: The Original Series (which is, in general, a terrible television series compared to the others from the Star Trek franchise, from props to script to acting -- although there were some occasionally brilliant storylines).

I am not surprised to realise, therefore, that I have surrounded myself with friends who are (a) intelligent (I'm talking about SAT 1 > 2300) (b) obsessed and/or (c) talented.

I am, however, slightly saddened that I am not quite anything like the kind of people I find myself inexplicably drawn toward. I have neither extensive knowledge in any particular field nor all-consuming passion about any discipline. I kind of just...flop around on the surface of a great number of vastly different (and sometimes nearly irreconcilable) subjects like a spineless marine creature.

...that wasn't very eloquent, was it.

Here's a birthday gift idea: a shirt that says 'talk nerdy to me' would be very much appreciated. I am about done with inane conversations regarding the colour of shoelaces or the logic of painting nails fire engine red instead of rose (there is none; nail polish is illogical).

Live long and prosper.

Dif-tor heh smusma.

Unwilling Competition

I have lost myself again.

How can it be, that I have lost myself yet once more? How can it come so soon?

Why do I lose myself so easily?

It is...difficult for me to bring this up. I can easily, almost casually, acknowledge that I once experienced relatively strong rivalry between my cousin and I when I found myself floundering because I had not expected to be pitted against her in such close proximity (in the same class), when I had never once felt the need to do so.

I overcame that hurdle, somewhat, with the unwitting help of my parents who will probably never realise what a huge favour they did for me when they told me that they did not expect academic excellence from me. I still struggle with this issue somewhat, but the worst is behind me.

There were days when I begrudged some higher power that I had been placed in the same class as my cousin, who, despite being new to the school and stranger to almost everybody, had a friend in the class with her. I was different. I was not acquainted with anybody in the class despite coming from the same school as most of the girls. I felt terribly, terribly lost.

My inability to socialise did not help. Friends were hard to come by for me, and I cling onto those I make. For me to be in a class full of eager strangers comfortable in a foreign environment nauseated me, frustrated me, terrified me. Why could I not be like them? Why must I be the only one suffocating under the curious gazes of strangers?

It had taken me three months to make my first friends in class, and by then my cousin had already established herself as one of the popular kids -- cheer-leading, exuberant personality, kind soul. I was the one at the back of the classroom eyeing everyone else and thinking to myself, "I can survive these two years without them. I don't need any friends."

(If I were in an American high school, I may be the kid who gets pushed into lockers, whose head is dunked in the toilet.)

I nearly had myself convinced. If I could not make friends, I will make do without them.

But I did find friendship eventually, and oh, what a magical feeling! I no longer dreaded school because I saw it as another day of dredging myself up from bed to study amongst strangers, not alone, yet lonely.

I have accepted that I do not make friends easily, but it is perhaps because of that that friendship, when given to me, is such an unbelievably precious gift.

I cannot thank my friends enough for their courage and will in pursuing me.

I found myself again, with friends, and a unique subject combination (Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics, Art) that never failed to remind me that I have a niche, I am irreplaceable, I am who I am, and I am going to be happy with that.

I now know and accept that I will never be like my cousin, and that I don't want to be her.

For half a year, I was content.

Then my sister was accepted into my school and the whole process started all over again, only this time, I have to contend with it both in school and at home, which is the entire day. It wears me down that I must contemplate such issues when I know with the rational part of myself that it is utterly irrational to do so. I cannot do anything, so I should just let it be.

But the thing about me is that I think too much sometimes, and I feel more than I think.

I never expected to react so strongly to my sister's enrolment into my school. I knew, logically, that my competitive streak was only going to get worse, but great gobbling geraniums, I never knew I could feel so lost, insignificant, useless, and unspectacular after she came.

It was a period of great adjustment for me. All my life I thought of my sister as "the one who is in St. Nick's" and "the one who is very smart but cannot be compared to me because we are graded by different standards in different schools". She was never "the one over there with long hair" or "the one who looks like me, but is prettier".

And then, all of a sudden, she was all that, and more. She was "the one who has more friends", "the one who is more popular", "the one who will get better grades", and, most recently, "the one who encroached upon my niche".

You must understand that my niche is something that I protect and guard jealously. For all my life I have always been the artistic one (or, well, the more artistic one of my siblings). There has been no one who has actively pursued art as I have. I can admit that my brother is a far better artist than I am, but that is largely due to the fact that I had learnt to draw from him, and that I had always admiring him and had no qualms admitting his brilliance. I have never once doubted that my brother was and is my superior in many areas, Science, Mathematics and art amongst them.

What I had never considered, was my sister. I had always thought of her as the one who is academically excellent, someone whom I have come to accept will always be my academic superior (despite some part of me trying very hard to deny this, wanting to claim that I am the smarter one). But after I accepted that, I learnt to build a niche area around myself to distinguish myself from her: art.

I am not the best art student, nor an excellent one. I am merely doing something I have great passion for, and I find peace and mental calm in the idea that there is only me in this, that there is no one to compete with, not my brother (who does not intend to pursue art), not my cousin, and most certainly not my sister.

Except, she joined the school's Photography Club this year.

I confess I expected her to join some uninspiring club like "Entre" (which attempts to nurture entrepreneurs) or something academic like "Biology Society". Photography was way out of left field, and it hit too close to home.

Suddenly I wasn't so unique anymore. My niche wasn't my niche anymore. It became "our niche" and I hated it.

Because I am an Art student, I used to be the only one in my family who had a...not claim, but a great stake in the lone DSLR camera in our household, but that's not true anymore. My sister will be using it weekly for her club's activities, and it sickens me that I have thought to sabotage her by demanding the use of the camera every club session (because I am certain my parents would side with me, as Art is not merely a club activity for me, but an examinable subject).

I can't help but feel dwarfed by her presence. Is it strange that an elder sister feels as if she is living in the shadow of her younger sister's greatness? It probably is; if I could change my sense of insignificance I would.

But I can't. All I can do is live with it.

I am known for my snark -- if one does not know me well enough I would come off as very mean. I have, over the past month and a half that my sister has been in my school, snarked at her for not knowing everything there is to know about my school -- simply because I was feeling inadequate and needed a means to prove my superiority, no matter how petty that means is.

When I compare myself with my sister, I fall short in nearly every aspect: I am not as beautiful, not as slim, not as smart, not as friendly, not as dedicated, not as confident. And that is where all my problems stem from, isn't it?

My self-esteem is not very well established; it flounders in the face of even the slightest of waves. What has taken months, years to build can be washed away with just one word.

I feel pathetic for it.

All my life I have lived under someone's shadow (except for the brief periods when, by fluke, I was admitted to both the GEP and one of the top schools). Their greatness overwhelms me, frightens me. I want to be somewhere not there, to bask in metaphorical sunlight so that I may spread my leaves and grow.

I found a piece of land of my own, and had begun to take root and grow, slowly because I was afraid to fail if I grew too quickly, afraid to learn that I had made the wrong decision about that piece of land and had to relocate my roots. I had found my niche when I took that step forward and applied for the Art selection test (which I had previously failed two years prior to then) and was accepted. Finally, I found somewhere unique. Some place I thought no one would encroach upon, especially not my academically brilliant sister.

Yet now my sister competes with me.

She has taken root beside me, or perhaps had grown elsewhere, but so quickly and strongly that her leaves now tower over mine, now that I am forced under her shadow. Again. Yet once more, I have to share with her.

I have shared many things with her: a house, a room, a bed, but this has come the closest to pulling me apart.

I had no say in the abovementioned, but I did have a say in my choice of subjects. I chose Art. I had thought that I could finally stand apart from her.

Not so, it turned out.

As if sharing a home, a bedroom and a bed wasn't enough, I now have to share a school and my facilities with her. I say "my" facilities because I believed them to be owned exclusively by the Art students, with occasional usage by the Photography Club's and Art Club's. I don't actually mind the Art Club using the art room much, though, because I know most of them.

But now that my sister's joined the Photography Club, I feel as if my sanctuary is being violated. No more a sanctuary, no more safe place.

There is nowhere to go where she will not be.

The world is closing in upon me, first my cousin, then my sister. What next? Will I implode upon myself?

I feel like yelling at her, "Why must you keep doing this? Why can't you leave me alone?"

But I think she wouldn't understand. This insane jealousy of my sanctuary is probably unique to me. The spaces once safe from her are now crowded with her. I see her image everywhere. Will I ever be free of her? Why is it that as I grow older, more independent, she seems to grow increasingly omnipresent?

She reminds me of all my shortcomings -- not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not sociable enough.

Why can't I just be?

Then I think, this is all in my head. All this competition, this need to have a safe place, is no more than a desire to stand out, to not be one of many, to not be constantly overshadowed. Have I reason to believe that I am? No, not really. I just do. Perhaps it's self-esteem issues, perhaps it's just me being unreasonably competitive.

Either way, it is through no fault of my sister's that she engages in activities she enjoys, joins a school which she believes will benefit her. Perhaps I should have done the same, transferred to some other school since this one now seems to be infested, crawling with family members whom I feel are walking right into my personal space.

It's all in my mind, surely, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I wish there was someone there for me who will lend me their shoulder to cry on, who will understand when I say that I feel breathless, who will know what I mean when I say I suffocate.

I tell myself to be the better man, to not resent them for what they cannot help.

But I also think, why must I do this, when I too cannot help what I feel?

Then it all comes to me. It is not what I do to someone who deserves it that makes me a great person. It is what I do not do to someone who deserves it that does.

In this case, no one deserves anything. They do not deserve my resentment, neither do I deserve to feel crowded. But if I do not do anything, no one will suffer (save me, but then, what is one person in the grand scheme of things? And this sort of suffering may be no suffering at all next to the starving in Africa, Indonesia, etc.).

If no one (involved) ever comes to know of my efforts to keep from exploding, that is perhaps for the better, because I will not know what to do otherwise.