Ha! That's alliteration for you!
Anyway, quit NASA thing team. No, wait, it's more like kick out, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved. Originally, I was totally attracted to it, but team discussions were dull and boring, and so much was done while I wasn't around that I couldn't keep up and lost track of it all. My interest started spiralling down.
It wasn't that the concepts weren't fun or anything, but I get the feeling that the other teammates didn't actually want me there, so I was EXTREMELY tentative about giving ideas, thus I barely formed any in my mind. I'm not too open with them, so I didn't seek to clarify since I didn't want to strain the relationship any further (and get them annoyed with me).
I'm more of the ideas type, so if you ever want a report, DON"T EVER COME TO ME. I can provide some things during discussions, but I'm terrible at putting them down in words. I think of strange technologies that might not always work, so I hesitate at contributing since I may be called stupid for even considering such a contraption...and considering the team's level of seriousness, I can't say I fit in very well, so I don't exactly put my best since they've really dampened my enthusiasm for the project...
Not saying it's their fault. It's actually mine for being so vulnerable to what people think. Can't blame them for firing me...ever since the first meeting, where I felt like a total outcast when they started chatting together and had quite hostile looks on their faces, I felt like totally backing out. I didn't belong, and I didn't like it. I would have much preferred to work with Rachel and Moira.
So when they actually came over to tell me I was fired, I had this strange joy within me. A mix of disappointment (in myself for not being able to live up to the standard) but also happiness since I was FINALLY able to work with people I enjoy being with and therefore might actually end up liking the topic we're working on even though I originally hate it.
It's something like SAFMC. I wasn't exactly enthu about it at first, but Sophia rubbed off onto me. No one forced me to do reports and I was able to contribute freely during the discussions with no fear that I may be looked on upon as a burden (since everybody was absolutely clueless about planes as well). I guess that's what made me come to enjoy being in SAFMC.
The sense of fulfillment, achievement, and absolute joy of having our plane fly over 15m was amazing. The people accepted me as someone who had troubles handling responsiblity and thus delegated the tasks accordingly, and I was able to stick to simply drawing. I didn't fear a glare from anyone as they always turned out to be light and carried lack of a grudge.
The atmosphere while discussing with the NASA team was suffocating. I was a total stranger among them. I was never in their class, and I knew barely a thing about them except for the totally non-personal things, like which class, their name, CCA, etc. I mean, if you were suddenly expected to work with strangers, wouldn't you feel extremely uneasy too?
So Sophia's love for planes and her effort put into making slides and taking time to explain to us personally with quite a genuine smile made me start to look forward to the meetings (though it really wasted quite a lot of time). We were actually quite pressed for time, but it was fun to be able to joke about with friends and familiar faces as we set about making the planes.
It couldn't have been any better than that. Teamwork, chemistry (not in the romantic sense) between team members, the common affinity for each other, being able to understand each other's needs, I couldn't have wished for more. It would be really sad to see the team dismantle once the competition was over. I would have really loved to stay in that group. Sophia was a great team leader, and Mel could always be relied on to buy materials. Rachel and Chun Hui pretty much did their assigned jobs as well. If I should speak my mind, I'd say I did the least...
I don't really deserve such great fellowship as my attitude is seriously bad, but maybe, just maybe, God set this up so he could show me that friendship should be priced over personal interests, that I would find more joy and satisfaction in working with friends whom I can share my thoughts openly with instead of mere strangers on a topic I initially loved but later came to dislike due to a lack of communication between team members.
Comparing the two teams, I love the SAFMC one much better. It was warm, the NASA one was cold, almost too studious and serious. Everything was about books. They excluded me from the fun stuff, making me ponder about administrative matters while they drew the rough blueprint (well, not exactly) for the space settlement. It really got on my nerves, I guess, but they just probably didn't know me well enough to understand that I really hated these kind of work. I was just simply jealous of the fact that they got to actually draw while I got stuck thinking of boring things...well, boring for me. I like thinking of technologies better.
It was highly due to the lack of understanding that led to the break up of the team (er...well, on my part, at least) since I was forced to do something I wasn't good at, and that was probably why they weren't too happy with me for not being up to standard with their expectations, which were undoubtedly too high for me as I absolutely do not have the ability to focus more than a minute on admin matters. I much prefer solving creative problems of how to keep the outgassed plastic, though the idea was given the cold shoulder (but I personally thought it was quite good).
They did ask me for my opinion on occassions, but that was while they were already sure of what they wanted and probably did that to make me feel less excluded, though I might say it's a bit too late...but once again, it's not their fault. I'm just sensitive to that area. Can't help but allow myself to totally dread the meetings.
SAFMC meetings were fun. We suddenly found out that we were extremely ahead of the rest of the teams in November, so we had time to slack for almost a month. Coming January, we started work on our plane again, and by a lucky modification, had it fly for a long distance. SUCCESS! I felt the joy in that, because I was a part of it, I actually contributed much to the plane as I did about half the practical job of building it. That feeling of inclusion cannot be rivalled. I have a feeling that even we might be chosen for the NASA, I would never feel this pride in myself and be able to call it 'my project'.
I want to be looked at as 'Rachelle, human with desires, interests and dislikes, ponderer of lame stuff (like how the chocolate filling gets into the Hello Panda biscuits)' instead of 'Rachelle, tool for typing reports'. I have a life. I need a life. I want a life. I am a life. I have the right to choose, I have the right to decide, I have the right to do what I want to do. I have the right to be who I am - me.
I have finally concluded that I have some sort of an identity crisis (a very mild one), when this song came into my mind:
Majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in your hands...
I barely know who I am, I don't know what I like, but I do know what I don't. And God knows all of me, he knows me better than anyone else in this world does. If being in a dark attic with a group of people makes you feel creeped out and cold, you know you're not comfortable around them, but even if the situation is dire and you still rely on that group of people for assurance, then you enjoy their company.
Only God knows how much I more I love the SAFMC team than the NASA one...even though both are about technical work of leaving the Earth, they are completely different when it comes to the team make up, and I guess that's what I like about the SAFMC team, and that was what made the world of a difference between the two.
SAFMC ALL THE WAY!
