I'm not entirely certain how they knew which words to say and when to say it, but however they went about selecting the occasion and means, it worked perfectly.
In essence, this is what they told me:
"We know you're not exam-smart. We just want you to try your best."
And boom, there goes my insecurity. I may not have realised it then, but that put me to rest. A lot.
My worries mostly revolved around having to compete with my super-exam-smart sister, who has this crazy affinity for memorising through verbal cues, when she gets back her 'A'-level results in, say 2-3 years time and discover that she's done better than I have (I will be taking my 'A'-levels NEXT YEAR and I frankly don't think I'm going to score well enough to get into any university based on grades alone).
I admit that I've always been slightly paranoid about my grades. Coming from a rather no-name Primary school and then rushing into the Gifted Education Programme (GEP), I went from first in class to last, which, I must say, did wonders for my self-esteem.
I stopped trying so hard to excel, because I discovered, early on, that no matter how hard I tried I will still be behind somebody, and the fact that I can't find a way to catch up to them just simply...pushes me off the edge of caring so much any more. I suppose you've figured out by now that I have some sort of "first or last" mentality. If I'm not one of the top, I don't see much point.
That is, admittedly, a terrible philosophy to live by, but I managed, somehow.
And then, after obtaining rather more spectacular a Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) score than I expected, I found myself in one of the most prestigious Secondary schools and, once more, floundered at the bottom of my class. I might have almost given up on actually doing well at some point when I realised that everyone around me was scoring 3.6 GPAs for their first Common Test and I, a miserable 3.14.
Thereafter I think I threw myself into the monotony of just caring enough to do reasonably well, but not exceedingly concerned with outdoing anybody whom I have resigned to always do worse than. Which, without saying, is quite a lot of people.
Of course, I loved it when I exceeded my own expectations, low as they were. But I think, somewhere, I've always set the bar rather high for myself for certain subjects and assignments. When I've actually worked for something, I think I expect a 3.6 GPA at least. I mostly did fine.
I ended Secondary school with a bang at 3.54, worse than the 3.66 I got mid-year, but fantastic nonetheless, considering my terrible start to my Secondary school career.
Junior College was simply...crazy. Some parts of it were fun, such as the one memorable holiday where we had to return to school to complete our paintings in time for our Common Test. I don't think I ever spent as much on bottled green tea at any other time. Others, not so. I particularly dislike having to orientate myself in my new class, and did not take well to Physical Education (PE) at all.
From Secondary school up to Junior College, I had been rather shielded by the Integrated Programme (IP) I was part of, which allowed me to transition into Junior College without having to sit for the 'O'-levels. This spared me from having to compare with my other crazy relative, my cousin.
Oh, she's delightful, I'll give you that, and I'm not saying this out of spite. Well, one thing that bothers me is how I seem to have lost some important memories between Primary school and now in order to explain the somewhat cool relationship between us, but other than that, I've gotten to know her better, and she's perfectly fine.
Have I mentioned that she's in my class?
I was terrified when I first discovered it. The IP rendered me immune to comparisons with her, since, hey, no 'O'-levels, but now, I really fear for my grades. I keep thinking that because I went to a supposedly better school and had a supposedly better education, my parents would expect me to do much better than her in exams (which is ridiculous, of course, since she's been admitted into my school and she wouldn't have gotten here if she wasn't competent).
I don't want to disappoint them.
In comparison, I think losing to my sister would be the lesser evil.
There are a couple of factors influencing my fear, including the fact that I believe her mother to be somewhat competitive about the "rivalry" between us, as my aunt was a student at my Secondary school, which my cousin did not attend (I blame one-time PSLE scores for her not getting in, I suppose she would've if we assessed her long-term), and neither did my mother.
I don't know why I perceive it this way. I really don't.
My sister attends the same Secondary school as my crazy smart cousin, which is really not much of a relief to me. Either way I'm still going to be compared to them. Sometimes I think I should have transferred to a Junior College offering the International Baccalaureate to spare me this stress of being compared, of comparing myself with others.
I don't know how many people know this, but I'm absolutely terrified of letting my parents down. Apart from my miraculous admission into the GEP and my allegedly excellent Secondary school, I am nothing spectacular. In fact, I think most teachers would venture to say that I'm probably one of their worst students.
And I won't deny that.
I have absolutely no idea how to study for exams. I think I would do much better if you perhaps gave me a few tasks spread over the year and assessed me according to that. Sometimes, it seems as if I have luck on my side because I have failed every single one of my General Paper essays for practice but scored an 'A' for my Common Test, but this isn't going to hold out.
I'm terrified, and I have no idea what I need to do.
And then my parents came along and told me that they don't expect me to do excellently academically (or, rather, in examinations, because I'm just that exam-stupid).
For that, I'm willing to work hard. For them, who trust and believe in me, I'm willing to give my best, not to show results, which would be nice, of course, but to express my gratitude for their faith in me even when I have none in myself.
It's like a weight off my shoulders. I know they'll be disappointed if I fail terribly, certainly, but now I also know that they won't look at me and judge my worth by my grades. I no longer have to judge myself by how well I do in examinations, how well I score. I just need to do it. The pressure is on a different area now, and this kind of pressure, I think I can live with.
I'm actually rather disappointed by how I perceived my self-worth. I thought I was beyond that.
Ah, well, I guess there are some things I don't really know about myself.
Without this burden of obtaining top grades, I feel as if I could just study with earnest and actual vigour instead of merely memorising facts to regurgitate during examinations. I feel as if I could potentially actually enjoy school, that it's not about achieving, which I have thus far failed to do and for which I have set no expectations for myself for fear of failing.
It's about me just enjoying things.
It's about me learning things my own way.
It's about me, just being me, and them loving me for all my academic failings.
It's about me, loved by them.
I love them, and I am not afraid to say it.
